Valley Street Redemption

       

This week marked the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's experiencing a life-changing event. Without getting into details, he had to spend five days in the local jail. You know, the clink, the big house, slammer, pokey, con college, hoosegow, etc...

As a good friend, I thought it would be nice to visit him during his brief stay. I also thought it would be nice to bring a gift. Naturally, my first idea was a cake with a file in it, but over the years I have started to realize that my first idea is usually awful. So, I decided to bring him the Drew Brees autobiography instead. After all, who is more admired and inspiring than Drew Brees?  Only Pope Francis, that's who.

     The day was sunny and windy and cold as I drove to the jail.  Thankfully, I had never been there before and had a little trouble finding it. I found a nice parking spot and with my book under my arm, headed towards the entrance.  Surprisingly the door was locked and I needed to buzz in.  A gruff sounding man badgered me with questions as to why I was there. I had as many questions for him as he had for me, so he ended up buzzing me in. I was in for another surprise. The front door weighed about 300 pounds and I struggled to open it. I think the strong wind was working against me as well, but I can't be sure. One thing is for sure, God forbid I was ever in there, they wouldn't need to lock me in a cell.  I could barely get through an unlocked door.

                 


I walked into the "lobby."  A woman bellowed "Can I help you with something?"  In an embarrassingly high voice, I told her I was there to see a friend. She told me that I would need to write a letter to request to be added to the visitor list. I told her my friend would not be staying there long enough to receive a letter. Cleverly, I asked if I could write my letter there and just hand it to her. She said absolutely not, the letter needed to be postmarked. Not giving up, I asked if I could leave my book with her at the desk.  She said "We do not deliver gifts here!" In my head, I had a few more ideas, but I happened to glance around and there was no one in there that looked like they might be on my side. I decided to give up before they locked me up.  Dejectedly, I walked back out the 300 pound door with my book still under my arm. My friend would never even know I tried to visit him until he got back on the outside.
 

 My friend is free again and living a clean, wholesome life.  He is a great guy with a bright future. Now I don't want anybody to think I am making light of our penal system (yup, just typed "penal" without giggling.) I have always lived by the famous words of 1970's TV undercover detective, Tony Baretta:  "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time."  So let this be a lesson for all of my fans, keep your nose clean and don't make me go through something like this again. It was very upsetting for me.

One Weak Beam Away...

          Monday February 16, 2015 started out just like many other Mondays.  I had started writing my blog about the Grammy Awards and got about half of it done. Later that evening, I went to 7 Star Pizza to see my friends and watch Monday Night Raw. Around midnight, 7 Star owner, Nick, was talking about grabbing a flashlight and going up to clear some snow off of his roof when he got home. I think he was just kidding. We both laughed. I had a shot of Jagermeister for last call with my friend Jack.  Then I hugged my friends and went home.
     I got home around 1:30am and ate half of the turkey sub that I brought home. Then I fell asleep. Around 3am I heard a loud bang which woke me up. I thought maybe some ice had fallen off of the roof.  Then I heard some more loud noises that made me sit up in my bed. I realized something odd was taking place so I thought I should get out of my house. Getting dressed quickly, I ran out thru the living room to the front door.  I heard many more loud noises on my way out and determined my roof was collapsing.
   I jumped into my car and got it off the driveway just in case the whole place came down. For the first time in my life I needed to call 911 which I did. The firemen arrived in a few minutes. The first fireman out of the truck looked exactly like Channing Tatum.  It was ridiculous. I thought I was getting Punk'd. Thankfully the rest of the guys in the truck were average looking and I felt better about myself. We waited in our vehicles for the town Building Inspector to show up.  The wait lasted about 45 minutes. This night featured a temperature of -10 degrees with a wind chill that brought it down to -40 degrees.  Not the best night to determine that you need to relieve yourself or risk your bladder exploding. I received permission from the firemen to unfurl my hose and relieve myself in the howling wind. They turned the fire engine lights off so I wouldn't get stage fright while trying to complete this endeavor.  These were good men.
     The Building Inspector eventually got to the house and took a look around. he determined my home was uninhabitable due to the roof issues.  He slapped some big UNSAFE signs on my place and that was that.  I called my great friend Peter Smith, and he took me in from the cold and let me stay at his place and warm up. This wasn't the first time he has helped me at a time of need. My brother took me into his home for the next week while I worked on getting my home repairs in order and deal with the stress brought on from my brush with death.
     The day after the horrifying incident, plumber extraordinaire, Dave Pollock, met me at my house and winterized it for me in order to save all of my pipes from bursting. He worked like a dog that morning. I wanted to help the poor guy, but I wasn't wearing gloves and I was wearing sneakers, not boots. Next, I called Construction Guru, Dave Courtemanche, for advice on where to find a good contractor to help bring my home back to life. Needless to say, he found me a good guy to help me.
     I met with the contractor the next day and he explained to me that my home originally had a flat roof and that the peaked roof that collapsed was an addition to the original roof. He was amazed that the original roof stayed strong and was not damaged in any way. He told me that original roof saved my life. His exact quote was "you were one weak beam away from being squashed like a bug.