This week marked the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's experiencing a life-changing event. Without getting into details, he had to spend five days in the local jail. You know, the clink, the big house, slammer, pokey, con college, hoosegow, etc...
As a good friend, I thought it would be nice to visit him during his brief stay. I also thought it would be nice to bring a gift. Naturally, my first idea was a cake with a file in it, but over the years I have started to realize that my first idea is usually awful. So, I decided to bring him the Drew Brees autobiography instead. After all, who is more admired and inspiring than Drew Brees? Only Pope Francis, that's who.
The day was sunny and windy and cold as I drove to the jail. Thankfully, I had never been there before and had a little trouble finding it. I found a nice parking spot and with my book under my arm, headed towards the entrance. Surprisingly the door was locked and I needed to buzz in. A gruff sounding man badgered me with questions as to why I was there. I had as many questions for him as he had for me, so he ended up buzzing me in. I was in for another surprise. The front door weighed about 300 pounds and I struggled to open it. I think the strong wind was working against me as well, but I can't be sure. One thing is for sure, God forbid I was ever in there, they wouldn't need to lock me in a cell. I could barely get through an unlocked door.
I walked into the "lobby." A woman bellowed "Can I help you with something?" In an embarrassingly high voice, I told her I was there to see a friend. She told me that I would need to write a letter to request to be added to the visitor list. I told her my friend would not be staying there long enough to receive a letter. Cleverly, I asked if I could write my letter there and just hand it to her. She said absolutely not, the letter needed to be postmarked. Not giving up, I asked if I could leave my book with her at the desk. She said "We do not deliver gifts here!" In my head, I had a few more ideas, but I happened to glance around and there was no one in there that looked like they might be on my side. I decided to give up before they locked me up. Dejectedly, I walked back out the 300 pound door with my book still under my arm. My friend would never even know I tried to visit him until he got back on the outside.
My friend is free again and living a clean, wholesome life. He is a great guy with a bright future. Now I don't want anybody to think I am making light of our penal system (yup, just typed "penal" without giggling.) I have always lived by the famous words of 1970's TV undercover detective, Tony Baretta: "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time." So let this be a lesson for all of my fans, keep your nose clean and don't make me go through something like this again. It was very upsetting for me.
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